May 2008

Aretha Franklin’s most famous song is “R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.”  My college instructor, a tall white man in his sixties sang this song in a falsetto voice that made me cringe. But he delivered the point—find out what it means to me, not what it means to you.

I took a day-long course through the U.C. Davis Extension called, Managing Workplace Conflict with Larry Hoover, a 30-year veteran in the field of mediation. Through Larry’s teaching style—a combination of passionatestorytelling and real-life examples, the role of great communication was made clear to me.

I’ll tell you how Aretha figures into this experience. So many times in life we assume to understand one another’s point of view. We rarely take the time to ask—find out what it means to me. Just as there are two people, there are two stories.  Consider the example of a traffic accident witnessed from different corners of an intersection. Are both people going to see the same thing? If not, why? Is one of them lying? The answer is to clarify the communication.

Most people seek to view the world through a filter, their own point of view.  In managing conflict—not resolving it, participants are asked to recognize that there is some information they may not have.  More times than not, we seek facts and evidence to fuel the fire, to substantiate our position and make our opponent the villain.  Oftentimes it leads to a conflict escalation about the proof—aha!  I knew you weren't meant to be trusted.  I was right about you the whole time.

But wait a minute, aren’t there two sides to every story? Aren’t there equal parts seen and unseen?  Consider the traffic accident, witnessed from different corners. Would the situation be less tense if one of the witnesses actually knew one of the people involved in the accident? Would there be less blaming and more compassion? You don’t know until you ask and then actively listen.

The key to managing conflict is to bring participants together and ask them to listen to the other party’s perspective. Listening leads to understanding. I believe the human condition is one of compassion if there is more validation and less accusation. 

The next time you find yourself in an inflammatory situation, resist the urge to defend yourself and simply listen to the other person. What have you got to lose? It may be what’s needed is a little of Aretha’s medicine: R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.